Is There a Pain Worse Than the Pain of Having to Watch Your Child Suffer?
Posted: Wednesday, September 16, 2009
by Sandra E. Graham
My Books and Articles
I'm sure no one has gone through life without being scathed by some pain, whether physical or emotional; we've all been there. But I don't think any amount of pain can compare to the pain of having to watch your child (even an adult child) suffer from heartbreak.
We cry with our children, when as toddlers they suffer the horrors of childhood vaccinations. We endure along with them again, when we have been forced to discipline them to the point of tears. The old saying that, "this is going to hurt me worse than it is you," is all too true with most parents and grandparents.
His first prom and every girl has turned him down. What do you tell him to ease his pain and frustration? He's been called a dork' too often for any girl to want to be seen with him! How do you tell him that it doesn't matter, that it's not important, and that it's their loss not his? He tries hard not to show his pain, acts tough when you know his heart is aching. He shrugs off the hand you place on his shoulder, resisting the urge to hug him as he turns away, eyes bright with unshed tears. You feel his pain as sharp and clear as if it were your own.
Separation. She didn't want to live with him any more. She had waited until he had taken their young son and gone home for the Holiday, to call and tell him. She had remained behind because her job needed her. Needed her? He hadn't understood how her job could need her more than her husband and little son needed her. But he had accepted her explanation at face value and went on without her. Now the truth is all too clear. It was her way of splitting up their relationship, their home. Rather than tell him to his face, was she frightened of him? He had never struck her. They had argued---all couples argue. That isn't a reason to dissolve eight years of marriage.
She wouldn't talk about it, and yet, he kept asking her why? Couldn't they talk? Get counseling? How could she just walk away? He could keep their son, she'd said. No sadness in her voice that he could pick up on. She said she felt guilty because her job kept her away from them too much. And yet, leaving them completely---how was that better??
My son was like a shell-shocked soldier. He stared off into nowhere. His pain was like a physical thing, palpable, threatening. We talked well into the night as his little son lay sleeping peacefully in his lap; he, afraid to let him go, as though he might lose him too.
We ache for our children, wishing we could take their pain and apply it to ourselves, leaving them free of the suffering that they are fighting to bear; knowing all the while that this is their right-of-passage, just as it was ours in our time. With our help, strength, and guidance, they will get through and become stronger as they do-a strength that they will need as it becomes their turn to support their own children in like situations.
Teach them to pray for strength, pray for guidance, pray for the will to go on and be there for the little ones. They are the innocents, the ones most harmed by the fallout. Share their pain, share their suffering; but also, share your strength, wisdom, and experience and they will get through. Pain can be a pre-requisite to growing, let them have their pain. But let them know that they do not suffer alone. And soon, they too will learn that no pain is worse than the pain of their own child's suffering.
This Article has been viewed 1,392 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)You are right Sandra, I can't think of any pain worse than seeing your children suffer and the helplessness you feel when you aren't able to 'fix' things for them. Be comforted in knowing you are doing all you can as a mother to help your children in any way you can. Wonderful article, very heartfelt, thanks for sharing your innermost feelings with us.Thank you, Brianna, for reading and commenting. Have a great week-end.Sandra
hi sandra,with my son in the air force in Germany, and my daughter going into the army next month, and my son with his father in a different state, i can totally relate.i had 3 kids a couple of years ago, and for 21 years before, and then, within 2 years, they are all gone. not to mention being in danger of being in the military right now.yup-i relate,my best to you,sueThank you, Sue. And my prayers with be with you and your children in the service. May God watch over them and keep them safe.Sandra
Beautiful words, Sandra. As most parents I suffered along with my children as they experienced the bumps of growing up. Now, I'm ashamed to say, I suffer from my children wanting nothing to do with me.But I don't regret the sacrifices I made for them.Great article, Q & A Queen!Thanks, Ken, for reading and commenting, and thanks for the Q & A comment.Sandra
Hi, Sandra,I'm sorry for the experience your family is going through. I hope you can take comfort knowing that support from a loving, praying family will make all the difference for your son and grandson. This is a tragedy on so many levels. Hopefully, this "mom" will come to her senses one day and do the right thing by her family.You all will be in my prayers.Thank you, Grammy. God doesn't give us more than we can handle.Sandra
Sandra, this was so compelling and powerful. I am at a loss for words. God bless you and your family. This was extremely moving.Thank you, Edward. And bless you and yours as well.Sandra
Very well written and you took the reader right there with you! Marijo (Mary Jo is how it is pronounced)Thank you so much, for reading and commenting, Marijo.
Great article, Grannie. I loved it.Brittany.Thank you, Sweetie. Love ya.
You raise a very good point Sandra....I have 4 daughters, and two ex's that were brutal to me and my daughters.My first would not let me see my oldest daughter for seven month's just because she had the power to do so...Each week I'd call and ask to see my daughter, and each week she would hang up the phone on me....Eventually, I got a lawyer and won my visitation...The first thing my daughter Amy asked when she got in my car and I buckled her in after 7 months apart was,
"Daddy, why don't you love me?"....
I said, "What?"...
She replied, "Mommy said if you really loved me you would have picked me up a long time ago."....
My heart sank - Not for me, but for Amy...Her mother's emotional psychosis I knew would one day have a major impact on my daughters mental and emotional well-being, and it grieves me to say I was right. However, I won't get into personal details here.Then I married a woman and had 3 girls with her...She did the same thing after our divorce....Whenever she was unhappy, which was often, she would not let me see the kids.....It used to kill me to see my daughters crying in the window as I pulled away because they wanted to go with Dad, but their desensitized mother wouldn't let them.However, those experiences have placed me in a far greater position as a father ( now that they are grown ) than I could have ever imagined before, so maybe I should one day thank my ex's.......My girls and I are not only of the Father/ Daughter variety, but they are also my best friends......My kids are very aware of the psychological importance and balance of good parenting after seeing both sides....These days I have a Grandson and another grandchild on the way, and it is, and will be ME my daughters call when they have a question about parenting that needs a truthful answer free of unselfish behaviors and emotional whims...There is no proof of a God, so I don't care for prayer or any of the other things people use to get themselves through...All I know is regardless of where we live or what race we are - we are all human and must face and understand the world's sicknesses to keep us from catching their diseases.................Kenny
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.