Why Children Do Not Report Rape or Abuse to Their Parents for Many Years
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009
by Sandra E. Graham
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Girls and boys, of all ages have been subjected to the devastating act of sexual violence and molestation since the dawn of time. Some often too young to tell what has happened to them and many old enough to tell, but too young to know what is happening to them. One thing they do know is that it is not something that should be happening and from these feelings, they develop their own sense of confusion and insecurity.
Most often the abuser uses threats to keep the child quiet-"I will kill you and your parents, if you tell." Any child would hesitate to cause harm to their parents in this situation. Some children are so lacking in love and attention from their parents or other adults, that they fall victim to abusers who use kindness, gentleness, and bribes to subdue the child in their immoral grasp.
There are cases where the abuser doesn't even have to use threats or coercion to get what they want because the child feels such an overwhelming amount of shame at what has been done to them. Shame seems to be the most predominant feeling when the abuser is a close relative or very close friend of the family; someone the child has grown to love and trust. Fear that their parents may not believe that Uncle Joe or older brother Billy would do such a horrible thing could also be a barrier to a child's confession to his/her parents.
It is for just these very reasons that parents need to be educated in looking for the signs of abuse. The overly quiet child, dark circles of exhaustion under the eyes, an unwillingness to be touched or hugged by adults; sometimes including their parents, excessive anger, or weeping. A child who isn't playful and overly shy around other people is just a few of the possible signs of child abuse. We are responsible for protecting our children and the time to begin is yesterday. Too often the news is filled with reports of young children and babies being left alone with the mother's boyfriend and all too often that boyfriend has a criminal record of abuse. The baby ends up beaten and/or sexually abused. Mothers, know with whom you are entrusting your babies!
A child sometimes reaches adulthood before they develop the courage, or are given a reason, to share their secret horrors with their mother and father. Most often, and especially in the case of an abusing relative, it is the fact that the abuser has been found out and reported for other cases of abuse that gives the victim just the edge they need to help them make their plight known. Once the secret is out about others that this person has defiled, it becomes easier for each victim to reveal their own case of sexual abuse.
The statistics of reported child abuse are abhorrent; the numbers not reported are probably astronomical:
One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. [1]
Over a third of all sexual assaults involved a victim who was under the age of 12. [2]
An estimated 906,000 children were victims of maltreatment in the United States in 2003. 10% of the children were found to be victims of sexual abuse. [3]
Some victims just gain strength from maturity and lose the fear and shame that has kept them silent all those years. While others choose to live with their secret for the remainder of their lives, leaving the abuser to go free to pick and choose his victims at will. And it is those abhorrent individual abusers who will be left to God's vengeance alone and I for one hope that His wrath will be great and just.
[1] Russell, Diana E.H. 1988. The Incidence and Prevalence of Intrafamilial and Extrafamilial Sexual Abuse of Female Children. In Handbook on Sexual Abuse of Children, ed., Lenore E.A. Walker. Springer Publishing Co.
[2] Bureau of Justice Statistics. U.S. Department of Justice. 2000. Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement: Victim, Incident, and Offender Characteristics,.
[3] U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Children's Bureau. Child Maltreatment 1997: Reports from the States to the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System. Washington , D.C. : 1999 .
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More commentsGreat job here, Sandra.I was reading a list of folks who had ended their own lives because their abuser had been vindicated in one way or another. My hope is that your article, and others like it, will stem that evil tide.Thank you.Thanks, Ken. For reading and commenting. I know it won't do much, but we can always pray.Sandra
Sandra, great job reporting on such a sensitive and painful subject. I do pray for strength and courage for young ones who have been abused or even if there is an attempt -- and that the parents believe the child at all costs. It is heartbreaking to have the courage to speak up and then you are not believed.Blessings to you. TeresaThanks, Teresa. I was reading on the news just the day before I wrote this article of a woman leaving her six-month-old baby boy with her boyfriend (who was later found out to have a criminal record of abuse). While the mother was gone the man beat the baby until most of his bones were broken and then raped him. My mind just can't comprehend such horror. Sometimes I wish I had the power to hurt these people and give them the same pain they give their victims--even though, I know it is wrong for me to feel that way, I just can't help it.Thanks for reading and commenting.Sandra
Sandra, a very depressing part of our society. thanks so much for alerting parents to the signs. Kids have it hard enough going through that. It could make their life so much easier if their parents recognized the signs and got help! thanks for the information as sad as it was!Thank you, Laura. I want so badly to reach out to these little ones and ease their pain. I know God knows best, but I just wish he would stop all this hurt.Bless you.Sandra
Sandra, very well written and important article! Thank you for passing along this information!Thanks for reading and commenting, Rob.Sandra
Sandra,I agree with you, abuse in any genre is an awful sentence on ones life. For me, without Christ, healing, forgiveness it would've remained as a life time of functioning in a dark despair. We must teach our children to tell. To know the difference of when something bad is being done to them regardless of relationship between them and their predators. Diffuse fear, embrace them with trust, protection, and stability. In my recent book, "Through the Eyes of Abuse" I express a most valuable importance, it wasn't their fault.God Bless,DeborahThanks, Deborah, for reading and commenting. It is surprising--or maybe not--just how many homes have one or more children that have been or will be abused.God Bless.Sandra
I think the problem is much greater as you report although you are on target. Many carry the scars for life nevr uttering a word out of fear and shame. Too many left alone to fend and therein the door opens.Thanks for reading and commenting, Robert.Sandra
Hi Sandra,Great article!Hello, Steve. Thanks for reading and commenting.Sandra
Sandra,This was an excellent article.Early in my career, I was a therapist for sexually abused children and their parents. I learned first hand how frequently children are abused by their own family members and trusted family friends or acquaintances.GrammySome things we all learn the hard way. It happens so much more often than most can imagine.Thanks for reading and commenting, Grammy.Sandra
hi sandra,i hope you are doing well.the statistics, i believe, are probably one quater of actual abuse victims.millions of adults are walking around still carrying their secret, and way too many kids are doing the same.what really bothers me is the fact that so many boys were molested by priests, and although many have come forward, there are many more who haven't. my heart goes out to those who also were not believed, and even punished for saying what "couldn't be true."mostly gay men, who cannot have sex, surrounded by young boys. and it i still allowed to go on.when will America wake up?thanks for sharing,my best,sueYou're right, Sue. And all of those Priests, when found out, were just transfered to a different Diocese to continue doing what they did at the last place. And all we can do is wait for God to exact punishment on these supposedly religious leaders.Thanks for reading and commenting and thanks for the 'stats' send.Sandra
IT'S SO VERY TRUE ALL OF IT! IT TOOK ME ALMOST FORTY YEARS TO SPEAK OUT AND BEGIN LOVING MYSELF. FOR SO LONG I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL MY FAULT AND IF I ONLY COULD TRY HARDER TO BE A GOOD CHILD THEN MAYBE HE WOULD'NT BEAT ME AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH ME. WHO COULD I TELL THAT WOULD EVEN TRY TO PROTECT ME AFTER ALL WHOS GOING TO BELIEVE A LITTLE GIRL WHO SAYS HER FATHER IS MOLESTING HER. SHE HAS TO BE MAKING IT ALL UP. AFTER ALL, HER FATHER HAS MADE IT KNOWN TO EVERYONE THAT SHE IS A LIAR AND NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM HER MOUTH.....EVERYONE LOOKS UP TO MY DADDY BECAUSE HE PROTECTS AND SERVES, HE IS A POLICE OFFICER!
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