Only a Man Would Attempt This
Posted: Monday, January 26, 2009
by Sandra E. Graham
My Books and Articles
I received this short email and found it quite intriguing. From an unknown author, I would love to give the person credit for it if I knew him. He deserves more credit than anyone could ever give. I just could not in any good conscience fail to share this with as many people as possible. And I think we should all have a silent prayer for this gentleman .
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary gave this account :
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
Only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
Thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries).. thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it stupid,' ...reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE CRAP!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
Body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, test_____s nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
On the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my g______s and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think education is difficult,
try being stupid. (Author Unknown)
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Sandra E. Graham, author, AMOS JAKEY and NICOLINA published by American Book Publishing. I also write book reviews for authors through Book Pleasures. Visit my website for more information on my books that are in print now and reviews I have written.
http://www.sandragraham-articles-books.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Thanks for sharing. What a story!And DO take some credit for sharing it with everybody, meaning; you sure must have saved a lot of heartaches etc, should any of the readers consider buying one and ---------.OlofThanks Olof. Good to hear from you again.Have a great day------we here in Northern Arkansas are in the middle of a huge ice storm. We only have power because we have a generator.Take care. And stop in again.Sandra
Love any story that makes me laugh and this was a good one. Thanks for sharing. ValI truly did laugh til I cried when I read it.Thanks for reading and commenting.Sandra
Great article and funny for us to read. I'm sure the gentleman described could surely be up for the running of the Darwin Award.I thought it was very funny. I have had a stun gun for years---never used it. And certainly never thought about trying it out on myself.Thanks for reading and commenting.Sandra
Sandra, yes indeed, someone sent me this as well, and I could not stop laughing for an hour.....my wife thought I was going nuts, until I let her read it, then I thought she was going nuts.....this was so funny, and so true!!! Those little things pack a punch!! I have a friend that is with the police dept, and he experienced this first hand with a real police tazer, it was set on low, but disabled him immediately......he said it really hurt!!!! And he couldn't move. Wonderful article, and I was laughing all over again just because of you!!!! Great job, your friend in pen......GaryThanks, Gary. I did truly laugh until I cried when it was sent to me. I just can't imagine someone really trying one of those things out on himself.Have a good week.Sandra
I believe Mike Fak has a cat named Gracie, and it certainly sounds like something he may be curious about and end up doing to himself. Thanks for sharing.Hummmm. You don't think this was Mike, do you??? Maybe we should ask.Thanks for reading and commenting, Myla.Sandra
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