"Suffer the Little Children....."
Posted: Friday, May 11, 2007
by Sandra E. Graham
My Books and Articles
A dear friend of mine asked me to write this article and feeling her hurt and suffering, I felt compelled to share her anguish.
I was never a stepchild, but I am sorry to say that my children were; and because of this I can relate to pain and suffering that too many stepchildren have to tolerate. The death of one parent is a terrible blow to a young child, but I’m not sure that it is worse than a traumatizing divorce of their parents. At least with death, a child has the comfort of time to heal the wounds—not so with the separation of their beloved parents.
Pure and simple the newest addition to the family finds it hard to share the affection of a newfound love with the offspring of a previous marriage.
Sometimes the children themselves make life difficult for their own parent and their new stepparent. They too have difficulties in sharing the person they love with a stranger or someone they had assumed was ‘just a friend’. All too often when the children are very young—too young to ask for help—they can suffer terrible physical and emotional abuse from their stepparents.
What most stepparents don’t seem to realize is that these children, whether very young or teenagers, are going through a phase in their lives that they don’t fully understand and certainly didn’t ask for. And when they seem hell-bent on making the interloper (stepparent) more miserable than they have ever been in their lives, the child is really just looking for love and security. This is the time when a stepparent has to work harder than they would ever have thought possible to make these little ones’ lives more pleasant and peaceful.
The parents are the adults here and as such, they should assume the adult roles and do more taking than giving when it comes to punishment. Love and trust is something that the new person will have to earn and how they deal with their new spouse’s children will determine the success of the marriage and the family as a whole. When discipline is deserved, it can and should be done in a way that doesn’t undermine the adult’s authority, but at the same time, doesn’t destroy the trust and eventual bonding of all involved. Bribery and giving in can be two of the worst ways to earn a child’s affection (that is strictly a Grandparent’s prerogative).
Some things are easier said than done and it’s not often easy to control your temper when a child grits their teeth while hissing, “You’re not my father!" or “You’re not the boss of me!"
An old reliable standby is—count to ten—before lowering the boom. At least you won’t do something you may regret later. While all this is going on, it is essential that the biological parent be involved. They should support the stepparent when that person is clearly trying to create a viable situation out of a less than viable incident. Children should never be allowed to pit the two adults against each other. Sometimes children seem to have been endowed with this talent at birth.
Often teenagers take the most effort from the stepparent to create a happy family unit. Teenagers are more likely to blame one parent or the other for the family’s split in the first place and most often are not privy to the real problems that caused the rift. Quite often neither parent wants to place blame on the other in their children’s eyes, so children are left totally in the dark. Teenagers are more set in their ways and accepting a substitute father or mother is not something that sits well and it is always easier to blame the parent that they are living with and subsequently the stepparent for all the unhappiness that has come into the child’s life.
As an adult stepchild, I can only hope that you have come to terms with the years of living with a stepparent and that you are able to put behind you any unpleasant differences that you may have had over the years. And remember that it is hard both ways—as a stepparent as well as a stepchild. Be eternally grateful if by the grace of God you were lucky enough to have a one-of-a-kind stepparent that loved you as if you were their very own.
There must be hundreds upon hundreds of books that are written to help a stepparent or stepchild cope with the changes that have been forced upon them. But if you truly want help, I suggest you take your problems to God and pray for strength and help in making the right choices and decisions that will affect your family’s happiness and to be more tolerant of a child who seems to hate you. And always remember Jesus’ stance on children—“Suffer the little children…"
End
Sandra E. Graham—author, Amos Jakey, published by American Book Publishing.
Visit her website for more information: www.sandragraham-articles-books.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Very well said Sandra I have never been married or had children of my own. however if I should ever marry a woman with children of her own, I hope I can be the father that I should be
dear sandra, thank you for joining my fan club, after reading your story on stepchildren, i know i'd like to join yours, too. i have lived every word you wrote, backwards and forwards. i have been a step parent, and i have brought home a step parent for my kids, both wer tough, but through love and prayer, we made it. i understood every word you wrote. thank you, best regards, susan thom
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