The Heartache and Heart Healing of caring for Elderly Parents
Posted: Tuesday, February 27, 2007
by Sandra E. Graham
My Books and Articles
Most of us don’t remember who changed our diapers; who spoon-fed us; who walked the floor with our tummy and earaches; who did without so that we could be provided for comfortably. We have to assume, of course, it was our parents; it just happened at a time when our memories hadn’t quite formed yet. But how many of our parents say, “okay, it’s time to pay the piper" when the roles are reversed by age and health?---not many I’m sure. Many parents dread the thought of becoming a burden to the very children they carried for so many years. I myself have told my children many times, “Don’t worry about it if you need to put me in a nursing home---if I can’t take care of myself, then let someone else do it---I promise you, I won’t mind."
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying a person shouldn’t care what happens to their aging father or mother---or aunt, uncle, sibling. I’m just saying if you want to do it and are emotionally and physically comfortable with the situation, then go for it and God Bless You. But if you aren’t, and you can’t and the stress and hardship would be more than your health or marriage could hold up to, then don’t do it. There are decent nursing homes out there; you just have to find one and monitor it closely. Visit often and unannounced.
If your live-in parent is capable of taking care of his or herself and can be left alone or with your children, they can also be a Godsend. Grandparents are what grandchildren are made for. They can teach your children so much about love and caring that you may be surprised at the benefits that can be reaped by their presence in your home.
Taking on the responsibility of an aging adult can be astronomical, but it can also be just what the doctor ordered (figuratively speaking). It is a decision that should be discussed by all family members---including children old enough to understand. Look at the issues from all sides, weighing the pros and cons. Don’t let yourself be frightened away from the idea before you give yourself a chance. You may find the experience more rewarding than arduous. But more importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you decide it is something you can’t do.
End
Sandra E. Graham---author, Amos Jakey, published by American Book Publishing.
Visit my website to read about my books and articles: www.sandragraham-articles-books.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Everything you stated is true. However the big if's are financial and love. While the intent of nursing homes is to provide a service they are still for profit and as such the old saying you get what you pay for applies. Certainly, as one who is currently living the care life, the impact on the family and care giver is significant. It stresses all boundries. My mom has been in care facilities multiple times and each time we had to bring her back from the brink of physical and emotional problems and it would not be unfair to say that if we let it go she would have passed already. So, it is not an easy choice. I too have written multiple times on the subject and I have found the entire process a charade. Don't get me wrong whatever help you can get is sincerely appreciated. However, that does not detract from the truth. That changing diapers when you were young, etc has nothing to do with a persons beliefs at middle age or later and it is sad to think many assume they will recieve care from their family if required. Sadly and many times it never comes. Many expect it as you say but it is just not that simple. Those poor souls who have major problems with their loved ones have limited choices and should truly consider just what the impact is to them and their loved ones. You certainly learn a lot about aging when you have that care responsibility. We must also not forget those families who have loved ones much younger who are facing the same reality. I "Wonder Why" our legislators turn a blind eye? Rhetorically could it be all about making money? God Bless.Thank you for reading and commenting, Robert. Everything you said is true. If the money is there, the elderly can get great care. But not always so for the ones who depend solely on social security.Have a good week-end.Sandra
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